*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.