[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Natural selection at its finest
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean