“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You Might Also Like
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.