In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”