[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.