BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You Might Also Like
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
did it work
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.