When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*