A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
You Might Also Like
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad