I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”