[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely