Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.