A duv-egg? In this economy?
You Might Also Like
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma