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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.