I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.