My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.