I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
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Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me