i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you