When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*