i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I feel it
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.