A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me driving through Toronto
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.