We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting