The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there