[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
is this a warning or an offer?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.