Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
How it started How it’s going
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
lol
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.