For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
❤️❤️❤️
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”