Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
How to make infinite energy.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“What?”
– Jude
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table