Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
? 💀
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together