I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
What?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Guy who likes music
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”