I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*