[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree