I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Its true…
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast