3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I feel seen.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke