You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I’m not wrong
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.