When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…