Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…