ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.