Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.