wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.