And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Bobby pin
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]