me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no