Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.