model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Do one person every day that scares you.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”