ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.