Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
this is the greatest thing ever
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?