The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
motivation
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?