Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
You Might Also Like
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Yep.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?