Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Meow
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Just ordered me some pizza!
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.