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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.