“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
huge if true: the moon
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.