Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then